If I Knew Then What I Know Now

The easiest way to tell this story is to go back to the beginning. I had dated Christopher off and on since I was 15 (more off than on) and after going to basic training to join the Air Force he returned and called up a bunch of old friends to let them know he was leaving town for good. I had just turned 19 and was very surprised to hear from him as we had not spoken in nearly 2 years. We got along great like no time had passed at all and we rekindled our relationship. Because he had already put in his posting options our options were limited as to where we would end up...he got posted as far away from our families as he could and still stay in Canada. We were together for 6 1/2 years, having two children and divorced. Then after a 9 year seperation that was really unpleasant both in being seperated and in what we said and did to each other, then we once again rekindled our relationship. That was 5 years ago and things are rocky to say the least but we are trying to make it through the hard times.

I was inspired by my friend Audrey to make a layout about the letter I wrote to younger self about that time of my life:

credits template by Taylormade; rose paper (recoloured) by Andrea Victoria; frame by Claudi Designs; fonts are DSP Tiffany and Exmouth

Journaling reads:

If I could tell the 'me' in this photo what I know now I would tell her this: Looking at this picture I see how easy you thought life would be. You were in love with this guy and he loved you and treated you well. He had a career set up and a life plan for the two of you. What the picture doesn't show is how dependent on him you were, how scared you were of the plan he had for your futures, and how little you allowed yourself to think about what you were doing. I guess they call it following your heart, but you didn't think it all through you just trusted that love was enough. Everything seemed so simple, you would move with him, live together, get married, have children and life would just turn out wonderfully. It seemed that the happiness you had always wanted had just fallen into your lap.

Love is a very complicated thing and no matter how in love you are life happens and feelings change. Sometimes the love deepens and sometimes you grow apart. The life that seemed so easy to you wasn't. Living thousands of miles from your family and friends took a toll on both of you. For you there was no one else, no friends, no family, no co-workers, just the two of you. He was your life, your everything, and even though this had seemed wonderful in the beginning the loneliness started taking its toll. Your unhappiness started to rule the relationship and things just continued to get worse. The love you thought would be enough to lead the two of you through the wonderful life you had planned seemed to be dying.

Nineteen is so young to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. For some people following your heart works out in the end and for others the love in their hearts just isn't enough to get through a lifetime together. It might be the lessons taught to them as children, maybe it is that they were taught how to love but for you following your heart will lead to heart ache. Life may have turned out better if you had not followed him but there is really no way to know that. There is no way to know how the choices we make effect the outcome of our lives or how things will turn out, but I know that taking the time to really think through the choices that you make and not allowing your heart to take the lead will definitely change the course of things.

There is no better feeling than to be in love, and to have someone love you back. The sheer joy you feel knowing there is someone there for you can't be beaten. But allowing those feelings to dictate the things you do with your life rarely work out well. My advice to you is allow your heart to direct you but don't allow it to control you. Love is a wonderful thing but it is not the only thing and some times it just isn't enough. Twenty years from the time of this photo the two of you will be together but it will have been a very bumpy road and it will continue to be bumpy. Hopefully love will be enough to pull us through but I honestly believe that if at this stage of our life if we had allowed our heads to control a few more decisions things wouldn't have been as bumpy. He was your first love, he was supposed to be your life but the decisions that are made by following your heart and not your head will alter the course of that love. Take it slow if all goes right you have your whole life to do the things you want to do, they don’t have all be done in one day.