Through out life we all make choices and everyone of those choices affect who we are and how our lives turn out. Now I have heard a lot of people say that you can't regret the choices that you that you are who you are because of them and you have to embrace them as a part of you. I always think these comments come from people who are in a wonderful place in their lives and really have nothing to regret anyway. For me I have lots of regrets and I spend a lot of time wondering what if... Now I am not going to go into the details of my life and explain the decisions I am talking about or the details surrounding it because you guys don't have all day to sit here and listen to my psycho babble about my life...but this is what I wonder, what I am confused about today...
In my life (as I mentioned) I have done a lot of things that I wish I hadn't for one reason or another. Some of them I regret because were just bad choices that really had no affect on my life I just wish I hadn't...but then are the ones that I regret because I feel they led my life in the wrong direction...those are not the choices I am questioning per say... The ones I am questioning are the ones that you regret because they were stupid but that someone else got hurt in the process. At the time you couldn't see how you were hurting that person...maybe didn't think that far ahead, maybe didn't care, whatever the reason but in the end someone else got hurt. I am not sure that I have done damage to anyone (other than my children and myself) by my choices that was major but I have caused pain that wasn't necessary because of a choice I made...
Now here is my question...do you make ammends for that? In Al-Anon the 12 steps ask you to make a searching and fearless inventory of yourself (step 4), admit to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (step 5), make a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends (step 8), make direct amends to such peole wherever possible, when to do so would injure them or others (step 9)...yes I was a member of Al-Anon and really should still be but that isn't the point here... I have been sitting her thinking up old memories thinking of a couple people in particular that I hurt...as I said I don't think these were life altering hurts but they were hurts none the less...and although there might have been other people involved in the situations that caused the hurt I am partially if not fully to blame for the pain...so the bottom line is it is a good idea to drag thing s up and tell these people you are sorry for what you did and how you hurt them, or is it best to let "sleeping dogs lie" as they say? If you inflicted this pain on these people 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago...does it really matter anymore?
I personally don't have an answer to my own question...guess that is why I am asking :) I am not sure if I would like someone to come to me 10 years later and say...do you remember when I did this thing to hurt you...I was an idiot, I am sorry, here is why I did that but I didn't mean for you to get hurt...I am sure I would be like "whatever". Does an apology many years later have the same effect as one at the time of the situation? Does it just take some people a really long time to realize they were an idiot and apologize? Is the saying "better late than never" really true? Does it matter if the person you are apologizing is a man or a woman...do they see things differently when it comes to that? For instance if you hurt a girl friend by stealling her man and you apologize would it be recieved differently than telling an old boy friend you are sorry you dumped him for the hot guy from work? (these are just random examples people not my real wrongs :) ) Do women care more if you apologize no matter how old the crime, then men do? Do men even expect you to apologize for stuff?
Life is full of some many deep questions and I really wish there was a manual that told you what to do in every situation...yes I know first thing would be not to be so stupid and make these dumb choices in the first place :)
Posts
5 comments:
Lots of hard questions ! I personally think if I was close to someone I hurt. I would have to say I am sorry sooner or later. But, other passing people I have hurt I might not say anything because it might open old wounds.
But, again it just depends. I think we all wish we hadn't hurt anyone.
Those are some deep thoughts. Lots of questions that don't really have clear answers (unless your my therapist...he seems to have answers for everything except the questions I want answered). For me, I constantly apologize...to everyone...whether I hurt them or not. Just to cover all my bases I suppose. I've been hurt though and not apologized too...and that kinda hurts too.
Deep stuff, there. I always try to apologize to people when I have done wrong but forgiving is so hard for me. I tend to hold grudges and I know I shouldn't do that. I need to work on it. Unforunately, like Sarah said, there's no guide for life. I guess the best thing is to try not to live in the past and to move on and be as happy as you possibly can.
Wow, what a fantastic blog. I wish I had some answers for you, but I am in awe at the depth of your journaling.
I agree with you on the "you can't regret everything you did, because it made you who you are, psycho crap." I think people say that to make themselves feel better about the bad things that they did. It may have made them the person that they are, but it doesn't take away from the fact that they made a bad decision. I do believe that for every bad mistake, there is a lesson to be learned. And if you learned from it, then maybe it was a lesson that was needed. I hope I am making sense.
I have apologized to people I hurt. I don't know if they cared or not, but it was important to me. It was important, because I wanted to acknowledge that I did something wrong, and that I was sorry for hurting someone. So even if it does nothing for the person, maybe it does something for you. Sorry that I am writing so much.
I wish I could give you a big hug, and tell you that everthing will be alright. I can tell you that we all make bad decisions, and as hard as this is, you cannot spend the rest of your life hurting over those decisions. It will eventually eat you up inside.
Tammylin, I too struggle with lots of feelings of regret over things I have done wrong. I have done SO much wrong and know that I will never be able to "deserve" the life that I have now. I think that, when guilt comes around it is one of two things: (1) I need to do something- apologize, change something I am doing wrong, or simply adequately grieve over wrong I have done; or (2) I need to forgive myself. I think, if we have truly grieved our wrong-doing, changed our ways, and have sincerely apologized to the person/people we have wronged and done what we can to make it better, then we have to move on to forgiving ourselves.
To answer one of your questions: Yes, I do think it is appropriate to apologize- even if it was a long time ago, or even if the person doesn't remember being wronged by you. Sometimes you are apologizing to make them feel better and sometimes it ends up making you feel better or helping you move on to a better place in life. Either way, apologies are good things. Obviously, apologizing for something that may hurt someone to bring up is a different story. I wouldn't agree with hurting someone all over again to clear my own conscience.
I think I am rambling so I will wrap this up. I am glad that we are doing this challenge together. I like reading your blog b/c over and over again I "get" what you are saying and feel like I can relate so much. You are a wonderful lady. Forgive yourself :)
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.