Birth Order and Other Parenting Mysteries

Many studies have been done on the affects of birth order on the way people live their lives, many say the following:

First born children are known for being strong problem solvers and learners, active goal setters, ambitious and energetic, schedulers, good in teams, and great leaders. On the flip side, they can often be overbearing, too critical, convinced that they are right in all situations, prone to spend time overanalyzing a situation, and run the risk of failing to see the big picture.

Middle children are known for being very realistic, trend setters, diplomats, extremely trustworthy, and the least spoiled of the birth positions. On the flip side, they can often be overly rebellious, cynical and suspicious, stubborn, and have such a great fear of embarrassment and confrontation that they fail to let others know when they need help or have problems with another person or situation.

Last born children are known for being tenacious, relaxed, very funny and entertaining, extremely people-oriented, and always nice to be around. On the flip side, they can often be manipulative, a bit absent-minded, self-centered, and a little bit flaky.

Only children often join aspects of first and last born children. They tend to be very driven and focused. They may have added feelings of incompetence — as their only comparison through childhood is with adults, but may also be more socially and intellectually mature at an early age as a result of more focused stimulation from adults.

I find this study quite funny...there are three children in my family and in some ways I guess you could say it is correct but in most ways it is totally not like my family.  I am the first born and the only girl in my family.  I am a problem solver and a learner I guess but not in the way most people would take that...I like to learn new things but I am never really good at it, I am not a scholar by no means.  I love to set goals and schedule life but I have lost track of the times I have failed at those goals and schedules.  I am a horrible leader, I work much better alone with other people.  I do my best not to be overbearing as I tend to avoid other people, but I can say I am critical...at least with myself.  I overanalyzing everything that I can agree to...

My brother that is the middle child is far from realistic, and trustworthy that is a word I would never use to describe my brother.  He is the most spoiled of our family my mother bailed him out of everything and has clearly been her favourite and when he became too old to spoil she moved on to his children.  He is very rebellious and cynical of everyone else's actions.  Embarassment was never an issue for him, he did what he wanted and if you didn't like it well too bad for you.  

Then there is my baby brother, he is a funny guy but he is not the family entertainment by far, he is not a people person and although he is well liked has few friends...many more when he was younger.  He is absent-minded and just goes through life doing his best to get from one day to the next...I would never call him self-centered I think his older brother fits that one much better.

That being said I see very few of these traits in my own children as well my strongest learner and problem solver is my oldest but my goal setter is my second oldest.  My realistic child is well none of them.  My oldest is the most trustworthy.  My second child the most rebellious.  My family entertainment and people oriented is my youngest....

So this being said how much affect does the order of your birth have on who you are?  I think it does have a great deal but I also think there is a lot more to it than simply if you are the first, second, third, last or only child born into a family.  I am the only girl and in some ways I think that has more to do with how I was raised than that I was the first born.  My younger brother was always in trouble or so I am told and that made my mother overly protective of him, that being said she had to leave me to care for myself more often...so this was a birth order thing, or maybe not...even if my brother had been born first I am sure my mother would have left me to care for myself more as she still had to devote more attention to my brother.  Then when my youngest brother was born he was sick, so not only the fact that he was the baby who tend to get dooted on more he was ill and needed more attention...now at 3 years old I am expected to care for myself as much as a 3 year old can.  Is this because I am the oldest or just the fact that my brothers need a mother more than I do?

Every parent deals with each child differently, I am not sure that when they are born really matters as much as the situation at the time.  If the first child was born last or the last child was born first things would be very different.  I always tell my children that if I had had my youngest child first I wouldn't have had any more...but would my youngest child be a different person if he was born first.  I had my first child at 20 and although I was not at all prepared for parenthood I was young had more patience and the ability to survive on less sleep.  My first born was a great baby, slept through the night from a very young age and would entertain himself for hours without any other stimulation.  My youngest was the exact opposite...I was 34 when he was born and I was a single mother at the time, I was less patient and had no one to turn to for relief, I was tired and required more sleep.  He never slept through the night until he was almost a year old, he didn't require constant attention but you couldn't leave him for long before he was crying for attention.  Now as children my youngest is much more active, always into things and constantly pushing me...my oldest was still quiet and well behaved.  So like I said if I had had the active child first I don't think I would have been in a big hurry to have more...but does being the baby make him more active?  Was my oldest that way because he fit into my environment and my youngest is active because we live in an active environment?  

There are so many things that affect the way we are and I do think that the order in which we are born does have some influence but I think there are many other factors that contribute more...your gender, your family's parenting philosophy, your proximity to grandparents and other family, illnesses and disabilities of other siblings...there are so many things that cause a parent to raise their children a certain way and I think birth order really is the bottom of that totem pole.