Parenting Philosophy

The dictionary describes philosophy as a system of principles for guidance in practical affairs; or a philosophical attitude, as one of composure and calm in the presence of troubles or annoyances.  That being said I can honestly say that I don't think I really have a parenting philosophy.  In the teen years...you know the ones, those are the years that you say no matter what you are going to be a better parent than the ones you have.  That you are not going to yell at your kids, you are never going to ground them, you are going to talk things through and always see their side of things...the years when you think parenting is easy and you just got the crappiest parents ever.  I was like every other teenager in thinking that I was going to do so much better than my parents, of course after the period of time in which I said I was never going to have children :)

At 20 years old I had my first child and let's just say I had no idea what I was doing at all.  I see some new mom's/dad's and they just seem to be natural at taking care of children, they just know the right amount of love to give and the right amount of discipline required.  These parents seem to just fall right into the midnight feedings and the crying like they were just put on this earth to be a parent...I was not graced with this natural ability.  I had to struggle to be a good parent, I tried really hard but I was so young and really had no idea how much of myself I had to give up to be a parent.  Once I realized just how difficult this was going to be I decided I needed to develop some ground rules the things that I told myself no matter what happened I wouldn't do these things...

1. I would not subject my children to a life of alcohol and drug abuse.

2. I would not tolerate any abuse of my children in any format (verbal, physical, emotional or sexual)

3. I would not abuse my children in any format

4. I would spend all the time I could with my child remaining a stay at home mom until they started school if possible.

5. I would not subject my children to abuse between their parents (in other words if the marriage was over get out don't stay and fight constantly in front of the children)

6. I would always make choices based on what I thought was best for them.

7. I would do my best to listen to their side of the story and never jump to conclusions about their behaviour

8. I would always believe what they told me to be the truth and would investigate if there was any doubt.

9. I would always be involved in their lives, activities, school etc...I would never just let them live without knowing what was going on in their lives

10. I would always love them and they would always know that I loved them unconditionally *****

Sounds like a pretty good philosophy right?  Sure it sounds good but how easy is it to do.  Think of the way the world is today, more people have issues with alcohol and drugs than ever before.  Abuse is on the rise I think partly because no one is keeping it a secret anymore.  It is so easy to say that if this happens this is what you will do.  If I get in a relationship with someone who has issues with alcohol I will take my kids out of there...but it isn't that easy...what if you are 22 years old a stay at home mom of a 2 year old child, thousands of miles from your family, no money, no education...what do you do?  You stay hoping that it will get better, hoping that it will be better for your child than it was for you, rationalizing that it is different...that your husband's alcohol issues are different than your father's were.  

What about doing what is best for your children?  How can you possibly know what is best for someone else?  When I was younger I thought my mother was a fool she had stayed with my father through his philandering ways, his alcohol and drug abuse, his mental and emotional abuse, she took it all and although she threatened she never left.  I said I would never live through that, I would leave....well for 7 years I lived through it.  I believed that the damage caused by my mother staying was worse for my children than the damage of a divorce so I left...man was I wrong.

I have been a mom for almost 20 years now and I realize that a philosophy is great but make sure it is realistic because there is no manual that comes with children, there is no right or wrong answers.  You have to do the best that you can and hope that you don't damage your children too much in the process.  And hope that when they are all grown up and  moved away they know that through it all there was one thing that remained constant...you loved them.