Self Fulfilling Prophecies

I was at my mother's this last weekend and we were discussing some statements that were made about members of my family and how hurtful these statements were, but mostly we were discussing how people tend to live up to the statements they hear about themselves.

Let me back up. My father used to tell us, or tell my mother when we were around, how he never figured we would amount to much. These could be said in straight forward ways like 'well I never expect you to finish that' or they could be more subtle like 'you are just like your mother' knowing that he doesn't have a high opinion of our mother. After 18 years of hearing statements that tell you that you are not worth anything you start to believe these things, but more you start living your life in proof of these statements.

Many people in my life have this way of dealing with life and never see it as a bad thing, they honestly think that if they tell people their faults that it will improve them. My father honestly believed that by constantly pointing out what we were able to achieve that we would strive harder to achieve what he said we couldn't. I have seen many situations like this and I can't say this goes for all people but in my family this is not how this works...in my family this only causes them to prove that they are incapable of whatever they are told they can't achieve. So my father told my brother he would never amount to anything but a drug adict, alcoholic and a unemployed bum and for as long as my father was alive this is what my brother was...he has gotten a bit better since then. My father told me that I was just going to get married to some ass and have kids and never really have a life worth having, living just like my mother...and for the most part that is exactly what happened.

As I think about this I wonder what we are telling our children. My husband regularly makes statements about how my son is never going to make anything of his life, that he is never going to graduate and has closed too many doors on himself...by telling my son this and repeating it over and over again are we not just pushing him to fulfill our prophecies. If we tell our children that they can accomplish anything will they accomplish more than if we point out their faults? I am not saying that my husband is abusive with his statements and I know that he is only trying to show my children what they are doing wrong so that they can fix it and have a better life, but are we going about it the right way? My mother always told me nice things and complimented me but I never seemed to hear her, all I heard was the bad that my father said.

The statements that were made this weekend made me think about the impact these things have on our children, will telling my niece that she will never graduate give her incentive to graduate to prove these relatives wrong or will it tell her she isn't good enough and push her to fulfill this prophecy? And then as an adult does this affect how they deal in life...many people in my family seem to continue this in their adult life. If they are not doing the same thing to their children that their parents did to them then they are setting themselves up to fail. They are constantly telling themselves that they can't do this job or that they will fail at the task so that when they fail they are prepared for the fall. I see this a lot in my life, if you go into something thinking it will fail you won't be disappointed when it does fail.

I guess the final question is how do we tell our children that they can succeed at everything they do if they try hard without giving them a false sense of importance? How can we point out what they did wrong so that they will learn from their mistakes without making them feel as they can't do anything right? I am sure where ever that manual on parenting is the answers are in it...I just haven't found that manual yet :)